Forget Paris

How to love?

            Oftentimes, people are easily to fall in love with each other, but not there to stay. “He is not the type that I like, she is being inconsiderate all the time, he is always not here when I need him the most, she does not have the caring that I expect” — certainly the most common breakup reasons one is familiar with. So, why? Do people breakup actually because they do not love each other anymore or their partners are always being disappointing, or that is not even “love” in the first place?

Over the decades, some spent their whole life finding the person suits them the most, some tried to provide the “most complete love guides” for couples, some might also emphasize and associate sex with love a lot; undoubtedly, there is a list of positive and negative character traits that one can always refer to, but is there really a staple love “formula” out there for people to find their “true” or “real” love? I would say no.

             In this movie, Forget Paris, I was able to see how Mickey and Ellen met each other, fall in love and got married to each other. They have had a most memorable memory of that one week in Paris, yet the most serious argument and separation between each other later. Their experience and story might not the most romantic and lovely one, but definitively a meaningful one to me. From them, I have learned that a couple do not necessary have to give up and change their habits and interests to fit the will of the other half, but rather appreciating and cherishing each other’s dreams or differences. Eventually, Mickey and Ellen had showed that they were not stayed together to demand each other to do the things they did not like, but being the supportive one for each other to do the things each other wanted to do himself and herself. Additionally, they had demonstrated that the individual differences between each other shall be embraced and not to be shaped into one’s own liking; how the other half behaves and believes is what make him or her as a unique and attractive individual.

            Based on the triangular theory of love by Robert Stenberg, I would say that Mickey and Ellen had finally gone through all the obstacles between themselves, and achieve the ultimate happiness of love or consummate love that includes the main three components, namely intimacy, passion and commitment (Sternberg, 1986). Passion, they are physically aroused when they saw each other and had sex, and feeling emotional whenever they had to leave each other; Intimacy, it was a tough one for them to go through because they were not willingly to share with each other about their own feelings and thinking initially, but then they had realized what they really need was to share and listen to each other’s most genuine feelings; Commitment, even with the other two previously mentioned components, they were still lacking of commitment between themselves as they had been having demanding attitudes towards each other, only until in the end, they have understood that respecting each other’s values and attitudes, and being supportive of each other’s interests and wills was the key to their happiness.

Undeniably that communication plays an important role between couple, but it should be done properly. Being expectant or irrationally project emotions into the communication is not going to help, but worsen the situation. For example, when Mickey was discussing with Ellen that he wanted to work as a referee after having all the unhappiness of working as a cars salesman, he was expecting Ellen to notice him of feeling unhappy, and turned up to be emotional after knowing she was not aware of it. As suggested by Wiley (2007), a healthy communication within couple should be kept in a soft and safe manner, in the sense that couple should not bring in their own aggressive, unstable, insulting and judgmental feeling and thinking into the conversation.

Nevertheless, is the way of how Mickey and Ellen treating and loving each other the primal way people should thoroughly follow? I would say yes and no. Yes, as they had truly showed a way to love, that was workable on themselves; No, though they had many to be learned from the others, but people should always remember that everyone is different, nobody should really be the copy of another, living a life that provides the true happiness is more of the thing to chase after. And, most importantly, for me, love is not always all about perfection and fairytale-like experience, but the journey that I can find myself to live comfortably with my other half, in a respectful and support manner to share each other’s feelings and dreams, with the willingness to go through the obstacles in life or between each other.

References

Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119-135.

Wiley, A. R. (2007). Connecting as a couple: Communication skills for healthy relationships. The Forum for Family and Consumer Issues, 12(1).