Forget Paris

How to love?

            Oftentimes, people are easily to fall in love with each other, but not there to stay. “He is not the type that I like, she is being inconsiderate all the time, he is always not here when I need him the most, she does not have the caring that I expect” — certainly the most common breakup reasons one is familiar with. So, why? Do people breakup actually because they do not love each other anymore or their partners are always being disappointing, or that is not even “love” in the first place?

Over the decades, some spent their whole life finding the person suits them the most, some tried to provide the “most complete love guides” for couples, some might also emphasize and associate sex with love a lot; undoubtedly, there is a list of positive and negative character traits that one can always refer to, but is there really a staple love “formula” out there for people to find their “true” or “real” love? I would say no.

             In this movie, Forget Paris, I was able to see how Mickey and Ellen met each other, fall in love and got married to each other. They have had a most memorable memory of that one week in Paris, yet the most serious argument and separation between each other later. Their experience and story might not the most romantic and lovely one, but definitively a meaningful one to me. From them, I have learned that a couple do not necessary have to give up and change their habits and interests to fit the will of the other half, but rather appreciating and cherishing each other’s dreams or differences. Eventually, Mickey and Ellen had showed that they were not stayed together to demand each other to do the things they did not like, but being the supportive one for each other to do the things each other wanted to do himself and herself. Additionally, they had demonstrated that the individual differences between each other shall be embraced and not to be shaped into one’s own liking; how the other half behaves and believes is what make him or her as a unique and attractive individual.

            Based on the triangular theory of love by Robert Stenberg, I would say that Mickey and Ellen had finally gone through all the obstacles between themselves, and achieve the ultimate happiness of love or consummate love that includes the main three components, namely intimacy, passion and commitment (Sternberg, 1986). Passion, they are physically aroused when they saw each other and had sex, and feeling emotional whenever they had to leave each other; Intimacy, it was a tough one for them to go through because they were not willingly to share with each other about their own feelings and thinking initially, but then they had realized what they really need was to share and listen to each other’s most genuine feelings; Commitment, even with the other two previously mentioned components, they were still lacking of commitment between themselves as they had been having demanding attitudes towards each other, only until in the end, they have understood that respecting each other’s values and attitudes, and being supportive of each other’s interests and wills was the key to their happiness.

Undeniably that communication plays an important role between couple, but it should be done properly. Being expectant or irrationally project emotions into the communication is not going to help, but worsen the situation. For example, when Mickey was discussing with Ellen that he wanted to work as a referee after having all the unhappiness of working as a cars salesman, he was expecting Ellen to notice him of feeling unhappy, and turned up to be emotional after knowing she was not aware of it. As suggested by Wiley (2007), a healthy communication within couple should be kept in a soft and safe manner, in the sense that couple should not bring in their own aggressive, unstable, insulting and judgmental feeling and thinking into the conversation.

Nevertheless, is the way of how Mickey and Ellen treating and loving each other the primal way people should thoroughly follow? I would say yes and no. Yes, as they had truly showed a way to love, that was workable on themselves; No, though they had many to be learned from the others, but people should always remember that everyone is different, nobody should really be the copy of another, living a life that provides the true happiness is more of the thing to chase after. And, most importantly, for me, love is not always all about perfection and fairytale-like experience, but the journey that I can find myself to live comfortably with my other half, in a respectful and support manner to share each other’s feelings and dreams, with the willingness to go through the obstacles in life or between each other.

References

Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119-135.

Wiley, A. R. (2007). Connecting as a couple: Communication skills for healthy relationships. The Forum for Family and Consumer Issues, 12(1).

Strictly Ballroom

Dance isn’t always strictly ballroom; Life is full of possibilities

            Not going to lie, it definitely took me awhile to understand the meaning of the title of this movie, Strictly Ballroom. And, I got to admit the choosing of this title was smart. Though the behaviors of the main character, Scott had much contradicted with the movie title, but it was done in a good way; audiences are likely to be reminded of the primal intention of dancing or the ways to live a life.

Isn’t dancing a way of expressing oneself and a form of art, but ironically, in the movie, people were tightly restricted by all the rules, refraining themselves from dancing in the ways they wanted, with freedom or free will as the basics. Yes, undoubtedly, one might easily argue that the rules and standards set for dancing competition were to provide a guideline for dancers on what kind of dances shall be presented, preventing themselves from performing something that was merely out of tune, and possibly putting other dancers into an unfair competition due to the unstandardized dance moves to be potentially presented. In the movie, Scott had clearly gone against the rules of the competition, yet he got the most intensive responds from the crowd, why? I think that it was because he put winning the competition as a least concern, but wanted to demonstrate something new, and most importantly — the initial purpose of dancing.

Therefore, should such behavior be encouraged? I will certainly say yes, but not necessary in all sort of contents. Indeed, art is the expression of one’s free will and creativity, intended to be appreciated of its beauty on its own unique way, so limiting people from presenting it in the ways they want will definitely kill its purpose and people’s creativity, but when it comes to a competitive sense, I think people should be competed against each other under a same category. For example, in the movie, Scott and Fran were dancing the Pasodoble that was not included in the competition format. I mean it was not wrong to dance Pasodoble, but it was rather unsuitable in a formal competition that did not include this kind of dance style. Based on the movie, perhaps Scott was lacking a platform other than the Pan Pacific Grand Prix to showcase his own dance steps or dance style, or he was just being egoistic and wanted to show off his crazy and crowd-pleasing dance steps, nonetheless, I think the main intention of the filmmaker was wanting the audiences to have the courage to do the things we want without letting the fears conquering us.

“Son, it was the dancing that mattered.

            We should have put that above everything else.

            We had the chance, but we were scared!

            We walked away! We lived our lives in fear!”

            These were the quoting of Scott’s father, Doug in the movie that seems to be meaningful to me. How many of us are actually living a life that is filled with fears that could be overcame; fear to lose, fear to be judged, fear to voice out, or fear of commitment. People are living on the outside, but dying on the inside; many people choose to handicap their will and dream themselves, or it is the society has been crippling the human nature and their unharmful free will to just to live out their life. Additionally, I think most of the Asians, including myself were brought up with the culture of disallowing ourselves from voicing out our opinions, let alone a good one or a bad one. Over the years, we are so afraid to do whatever we want, and fears have gradually engulfed our confidence.

            Life might not always be good to a person, but it is surely full with possibilities and not always be limited by all the rules and norms that obstruct the ways we should act and behave. It is definitely the time to change, people might not be born the same or equally, but each of us possess the chance to change; changing ourselves to become better ones, starting to do things that we want, showcasing the talents we have got, and not living our lives in fear.

Eat Drink Man Woman

Eat + Drink + Man + Woman = Life?

            Ever since I was young, I always wonder what kind of life I will be having in the later part or stage of my life, and hence, this actually get me to always look forward for the possibly upcoming challenges and changes to be made. Contradictorily, I had actually also come to a realization that it always seemed to be too early for me among my peers to think and consider of all these, in which had resulted me of not having too much young, youthful and wild memories. Back in my secondary school life, it was obvious when I was having deep lost and struggling to find the meaning of life, while my peers were still having fun to silly stuff like imitating the way of dogs having sex. That time, I watched a lot of philosophical movies, I read a lot of books, I searched a lot of information, I tried to see and learn how people live their life, and eventually managed to get myself an answer to clear my doubts ­­­— live your own life, the way of you can find true happiness.

            In the movie, Eat Drink Man Woman, I was able to see a way of life, a way of how life always revolves around four components, namely eating, drinking, man and woman.

I saw the importance of eating. It served more than just the purpose of filling up one’s stomach, but also the medium to reunite family members, and also the platform for a parent to express his love to his children. Perhaps it was not the healthiest and most effective way to communicate with each other, but Mr. Chu still chose to do it every week by preparing banquet at his own even though he surely knew that they would not be able to finish it. Instead, he was hoping his children would understand his way of expressing his love to them through this way, rather than doing it explicitly.

I saw the importance of drinking, or referred to have alcoholic drinks in the context of this movie. It was easily suitable in daily life as it helped people to express their feelings better, and was also a symbolic tool; drink when announcing important stuff; drink when chitchatting casually; drink when celebrating a festive; drink when wanting to unwind oneself.

I saw the importance of the relationship between man and woman, let it be family relationships and love relationship here. It is a bond that is so important in an individual’s life, carrying the function to bring meaning of life in many circumstances. And, I think this movie had brought up and highlighted some important issues in regard to this. Though a marriage between two persons with a big gap between their ages, a quick marriage that came after premarital pregnancy between two young and innocent couples, a regular sexual relationship between exes, and an ironic marriage between a faithful Christian and a person that one just met were the subjects presented in the movie that were arguably against the social norms, but they all shared a common characteristic.

It was happiness, it was certainly the factor leading them to have the courage to chase after their wills. It was the courage that many people are lacking of nowadays, the courage that was crippled strongly by the society expectation, parental expectation, peer influence and pressure, stereotypical expectation and judgment and social norms. I think the movie had done a remarkably job of getting the audiences to reflect these issues upon themselves, wanting people to think thoroughly about their current life. Even if having a high likelihood of being judged by the others, people should not be afraid of doing the things that could bring themselves great happiness as long as not disobeying the laws and causing harms. It was because nobody should really live for somebody’s will, and everybody deserved the chance to live a way of life that one wants.

Eat-drink-man-woman is undoubtedly a way of life, but not necessary the way everyone should be following. It had however acted as a mirror for me, myself to have an in-depth reflection, a mirror for me to realize myself having so many things in life that I want to do but being suppressed by so many external factors, and most importantly the courage that is always absenting. The movie is definitely inspiring for me, driving me to live my own life and start stepping out of my own repressed mind and behavior.